Well as most of you already know, I talked to my Oncologist last Monday and she told me that sadly they are out of options and that at best I have a few months left. Since then it has been kind of surreal to think that sometime in the near future I won't be here. I will be leaving behind a life and people I love which is hard for me to fathom. Since the news was shared my family and I ghave shared many tears, laughs and have been trying to make new memories.
The other day my pastor (I'm Lutheran) came by the house to talk about funeral preparations. I never thought that i'd be 27 and planning my own funeral, I thought I would be old and fragile and with my husband by my side, or I thought I would be planning Travis'. Honestly I never thought I could cry so much. Just the thought of being in a box in a ground creeps me out and how I will miss friends and family and oh my God....Mexican, Italian, Chinese food and soup. Silly I know. I am also saddened by the fact that we never got to use our wedding gifts and that we have been only married 3 years, I hope to make it to 4 or more.
The clinical trial drug I have been on I am no longer on. The doctor isn't sure if it caused the tumors I have to grow or if it affects the healing process from my back surgery to remove a tumor. Since I haven't been on it I have become super swollen in my legs which makes it hard to walk (and get into a vehicle), I am also swollen around my abdomen which makes it hard for me to eat. We are hoping I can get back on the drug but not under the clinical trial, but I have to have one of my doctors in this state to write me a script for it because of my insurance. Oh and I am off the drug because they aren't sure if it caused me to have a blood clot in my lung. I swear it's one thing after another.
Well that's how the cookie crumbles. I should be going to bed but I can't stop thinking about what's to come. One of the nicest things that has happened is that our church donated a burial plot to me and it's right across from where my grandparents are buried, and that's where I wanted to be and nobody knew that. Just how bizarre. Anyway, off to bed....maybe, since I have just the nurse visiting tomorrow and a bunch of phone calls to make. I can't wait for next week when some friends start stopping by. Well goodnight, until I write again.
*I also am not going to intentionally give up, I have to try to make it to my little bother's wedding October 8th 2016....which is also my step mom's birthday* Anywho, night night, and sorry about the last two paragraphs' text, I don't know what happened
The other day my pastor (I'm Lutheran) came by the house to talk about funeral preparations. I never thought that i'd be 27 and planning my own funeral, I thought I would be old and fragile and with my husband by my side, or I thought I would be planning Travis'. Honestly I never thought I could cry so much. Just the thought of being in a box in a ground creeps me out and how I will miss friends and family and oh my God....Mexican, Italian, Chinese food and soup. Silly I know. I am also saddened by the fact that we never got to use our wedding gifts and that we have been only married 3 years, I hope to make it to 4 or more.
The clinical trial drug I have been on I am no longer on. The doctor isn't sure if it caused the tumors I have to grow or if it affects the healing process from my back surgery to remove a tumor. Since I haven't been on it I have become super swollen in my legs which makes it hard to walk (and get into a vehicle), I am also swollen around my abdomen which makes it hard for me to eat. We are hoping I can get back on the drug but not under the clinical trial, but I have to have one of my doctors in this state to write me a script for it because of my insurance. Oh and I am off the drug because they aren't sure if it caused me to have a blood clot in my lung. I swear it's one thing after another.
Well that's how the cookie crumbles. I should be going to bed but I can't stop thinking about what's to come. One of the nicest things that has happened is that our church donated a burial plot to me and it's right across from where my grandparents are buried, and that's where I wanted to be and nobody knew that. Just how bizarre. Anyway, off to bed....maybe, since I have just the nurse visiting tomorrow and a bunch of phone calls to make. I can't wait for next week when some friends start stopping by. Well goodnight, until I write again.
*I also am not going to intentionally give up, I have to try to make it to my little bother's wedding October 8th 2016....which is also my step mom's birthday* Anywho, night night, and sorry about the last two paragraphs' text, I don't know what happened